Doing Private Things...

Just another conversation at the dinner table that turned into... well let's just say... a wee bit weird!!! I mentioned to James that after supper he would have to read his two chapters of his book.  He said okay but then he would have to do some "private things".  I asked what kind of private things thinking I could fool him into telling me like he used to.  Not tonight... he just punctuated it with "well if I tell you, you will call the police and I will have to go to jail!" Ah okay... you can't just leave us with that and not offer an explanation.   "Okay James, spill it." "Well, I am copying a book and that is a crime." "Ah, yes it is BUT... are you passing it in for a grade?" "No" "Are you going to sell it once you are finished?" "No, I want it." "Okay... so I am going to call the police and tell them that my son who HATES to write is actually copying words onto paper and no one told him to do it?" "Yes, because it is a rule not to copy books." "Well James, we could buy the book."
 "No we can't... the library doesn't sell their books!" Can't argue with that but bookstores might be able to give him one if we give them some money.  And then somehow the conversation turned into a JINX round with James and Charlotte.  Did you know that if you are JINXED and you get out the phrase "on the roof" before the word JINX is uttered, the JINXIE can't talk until someone says their name 3 times (just like Beetlejuice!).  Just another night at the supper table!!

The Consequences Bite . . . or Do They? (Another Guest-Post by Daddy)

On the morning of August 31st, as related in the posting under that date, James took unwarranted liberties with Daddy's bank card (trying to order a 3DS game he desperately coveted but hadn't earned) and promptly lost the same. The last he knew he was sitting on his bed and (he said) the card "fell in the direction of the TV." (Only it wasn't there.) In consequence of this chain of events, James lost something of value to him as well -- his treasured 3DS was confiscated.

The drama lasted all through the long holiday weekend. The various stages of grief were passed through: denial, defiance, deal-making, despair -- you know the drill. Initially, he simply denied he had taken the card. Didn't wash. Daddy's wallet had plainly been moved, the card was missing, its number had been entered in the device, and he had even had the chutzpah to go to Mommy seeking help in completing the abortive purchase.

As the evidence mounted against him he got mad: "Oh! How about I just ______!" The blank was filled in with whatever he truly thought would get the parental goat at that particular moment. This tactic was attempted several times.

Various efforts ensued to negotiate his way around the situation, play parent against parent, wheedle out of searching for the card, or otherwise subvert the final decree. "What do I have to do to get back my 3DS?" he finally pleaded. "You have it right now, James -- just give me back my card. As soon as I have my card, you can have your 3DS."

Black depression came upon him -- this was his "I'm just going to punch myself" mode. Thankfully, it didn't last long; one self-inflicted blow later, he realized it hurt.

Acceptance? I'm not certain. Desperation, certainly. He spent a good portion of Monday afternoon frantically turning his room and his sister's upside-down in quest for the lost card, which, alas, stubbornly persisted in its absence. This after having refused to search through nearly three days during which Daddy had turned the house upside-down in his stead. Other truant items had turned up. The key that winds our mantle clock, which James abstracts on a regular basis. An older model DS belonging to another member of the household. A favorite game for it, belonging to that same member of the household. All brought to light by Daddy, not James. I get that kid out of more trouble! But our boy was really suffering.

Meanwhile, I had not neglected the general chores -- feeding the cats, changing the cat box, watering the plants, cleaning the fish tank, washing the dishes, doing the laundry. The laundry tends to back up during the busy week, and catch-up can occupy much of the weekend. We generate a lot of it, our family having recently increased to five people. Anyway, Monday evening I was emptying the drier a final time. Clink! One plastic bank card dropped to the bottom of the bin. I picked it up. It was my card, all right. In all the hullabaloo, no one had thought to look in the pocket of Jamesie's pants!  (a side note from the "Laughter Mom... Just for the record... this is not true... James is "frisked" (have him turn his pockets inside out) more frequently then I like to admit!  I did it the morning of the incident and several times during the weekend. The card wasn't in the pockets of the pants he was wearing at the time the card disappeared.  He likely threw it in the laundry basket in the girls room and I know I told the search party to look in the laundry!)

Up to James's room, 3DS in hand. "What are you doing with that, Daddy?" he asked.

"Giving it to you." I displayed the card. "A deal's a deal."

Complete and utter joy. "So where was it?"

I explained.

"So I was innocent!"

A sidelong look. "Really?"

"Well . . ." (No, not really.)

I shook my head. "I hope, James, you've taken a lesson from all this."

"Yeah, I get it."

One can only hope!

A postscript: of course it remained to be determined whether the bank card still worked, having gone through both washer and drier. The test was made, and passed with flying colors. It seems financial institutions make their plastic tough, doubtless with greedy little boys in mind.

Nibbling and Jamesian Logic (a guest posting from Daddy)

Today has been a snacking day. We are having a stressful time, with a pending house sale and purchase, the sale of our old dead car, the boy lifting Daddy’s charge card and then losing it, the girls off on an overnight, and the cats engaged in a screaming predawn battle right next to Mommy’s bed. The natural human response is to nibble. That or go to a movie. Which Mommy, needing a little just-Mommy time, did -- leaving Daddy at the mercy of Jamesian reasoning most of the afternoon.

Jamesian reasoning consists mainly of contesting the punishment for losing Daddy’s charge card, rambling on about Pokemon statistics, and wheedling more “battle cards” (drawings of Pokemon, Sonic and Mario characters) out of Daddy. Jamesie thinks Daddy is the world’s greatest artist. Daddy knows better, but is not unsusceptible to flattery.

But mostly when faced with stress, we nibble. Mommy does it. Daddy does it. Jamesie does it. Jamesie is freaking good at it.

I can’t tell you how many times that boy has come to me today asking “Can I have--?”

Chicken strips. Pizza. Green chips (his descriptor for Lay’s Sour Cream and Onion). Swedish fish. And . . . green chips again.

“James, you just had green chips.”

“No I didn’t, I had sidditch fish.”

“Before that. You asked me for green chips and you finished a whole bag.”

“Just because it was mostly gone already.”

“James, why do you want more green chips?”

Weedling: “’Cause I’m really hungry.” Kicker: “And ’cause a boy’s got to eat.”

Can’t argue with logic like that. “Don’t have a huge number,” was my parting shot in surrender.

“Thanks, Dad!”

When Things Go Horribly Wrong...

"Time to read a story James..."
                "Can I punch myself in the face instead?"

Ever have a conversation like this with your kid?  Let me go back to fill in some history that led up to this particular conversational tidbit...

James likes pretty things... He started taking things shiny and pretty things from others without them knowing several years ago.

James likes science... He borrowed his sister's Physics notebook and Physics textbook last year because he knows he has a lot to learn.

James likes stuffed animals... He nabbed his sisters teddy, stuffed cat, and other stuffed treasures and hid them in his room.

James loves video games... Today he took daddy's credit card, out of the wallet while daddy was sleeping to buy a new game for his 3DS.  This card is used to buy many things that James wants and needs.  James can't remember where it went after he used it.  The 3DS and his other electronics have been confiscated until he finds the card.

James is distraught because the card is lost and his favorite past time is not happening until the card is back in daddy's possession.

Enter conversation from the top..... It is going to be a really long 3 day weekend!

Really????

So we started week 3 of school yesterday and I can tell you that things haven't been perfect but they have been okay.  Let me give you the highlights to catch you up to date... day 3 James almost got suspended for throwing a book at his teacher (his aide took lunch during writing so what is a kid to do?)... his first aide left that day never to return (apparently not because of anything he did or didn't do)... enter new aide on day 4... things go pretty well episodes of shutting down but nothing violently spectacular.... yesterday, after a horrible 2 hour commute into work, I got the call... checked my phone and the name of his school showed up.  I tentatively answered it because there are only 2 reasons why they would be calling at 9:45 AM. First, James is sick and needs to be picked up ASAP or second, he is in trouble.  I answered and found the AP on the other end of the line (CRAP).  He explained to me that James would be receiving a referral from his gym teacher and went to tell me the reason.  The class had been running the mile and James was doing well.  At one point one of his friends fell.  James was far ahead and turn to see his downed friend so he looped back to help him up. (to be honest my first thought when the AP was starting to tell me about this was , Oh CRAP, James kicked the other kid!  Oh wait... that was 3rd grade!) >>click here<< >>and another<<  (I am sure that we could all come up with a thousand acts of humanity to put here).  Anyway, his gym teacher told James to keep running and he would assist the child who had fallen.  James focused  on what he thought was the greater good and refused to run because his friend was hurt.  Enter... the first referral and detention of the year!  When James was told by the teacher that he would be getting a referral to the office, he just replied, "okay, thank you". (the end of the referral said that James seemed happy to be getting out of running the mile.)

Here is my response email...

Thank you Mr. H**** for calling me this morning to discuss the issues that had happened this morning with James. He hadn't given us the information about not being able to wear his red and white Ash Ketchum hat.  We were under the impression that if the hat was completely red then it couldn't be worn.  James is really attached to this hat but we will discuss this with him and make sure he keeps it at home from now on.

As for the incident in gym, James is a very black and white thinker and we have spent years teaching him to be empathetic towards others.  For those who don't know about the referral it is because James didn't comply to his gym teachers request for him to continue to run and not worry about another student who had fallen.  James was apparently very focused on helping the student and repeatedly didn't comply with the directive to return to running.  He was told that he would get a referral and he did get one for not listening to his teachers requests. 

I understand that James needs to comply to things adults tell him to do, however, James should be able to show his growth in social interactions if it isn't something dangerous.  I am confident that if he had been able to assist his friend that he would have happily complied with the directive after making sure the other child was okay.  If he isn't allowed to follow through you run the risk of him shutting down and not doing anything. 

To me, this incident warrants a "good friend" recognition instead of a referral.  Again, I understand that James needs to learn to comply when he is given something to do but I don't want to take away the side of James that is the sweet, amazing, side of his humanity and turn him into a compliant robot.  Sometimes standing up for what is right is more important.  I am home on Wednesday and I will be with him during his detention showing that I am proud that he tried to do the right thing but was not allowed to do so.  Please let me know where to meet him at 2:55 on Wednesday.  Thank you 

Only 169 more school days left until summer vacation!!

Hang My Picture in the Mother Hall of Shame!!!!!

We have all read the blogs on the things we thought we would never have to tell our Autistic kids to stop doing such as...

• stop licking the ... (fill in the blank)
• stop saying ... (fill in the blank)
• (the ever popular) stop stripping OR stop taking off your underwear
• stop eating the cat food (James's favorite as a toddler)

I am sure there are a million more you can come up with but tonight I am ashamed.  I was heading back to the car from the grocery store and it happened... I turned back to see my husband and James walking towards me. All of a sudden I heard words coming out of my mouth I never expected... "Jamesie... STOP reading... you are in a parking lot!"  I think I need to reconsider my parenting ability.... Stop reading... Stop reading... I should hang my own picture in the Mother Hall of Shame!  My only excuse is I love my kid more than I love that he was actually reading.  I hope he will read again... someday!! 

Typical James Conversation

Mom... What kind of animal am I eating?
          Chicken...
Like on a farm?
          Yes.
Why do we eat chicken?
          Because it is delicious!
Well don't eat the rooster because what will happen if you don't have a clock?  You can use the rooster to wake you up...

Good thinking little man but eat up because it is almost time for bed!