Simple enough question but let me go back and paint the history of this very innocent question from my inquiring 12 year old son. Picture this...
James and I were in the car and I had the movie Mama Mia playing. James was sitting
in the front seat so couldn’t see the movie which makes the listener
pay attention more. He was asking why there were three men who Sophie
believed to be her father. I told him that sometimes the woman doesn’t
know who the father is because she has loved more than one man around
the time she got pregnant. Then he got concerned, “Well who did she
marry because he has to be the father.” I went on to explain that
sometimes men and women don’t get married but they still have children
and are considered the baby’s mother and father. This rocked his
“strict rule world”. Women and men get married and that is the only way
they can be a mother and a father. Okay, I couldn’t shake his world up
too much. Again he asked, “Who does she marry?” “Well, Donna gets
married to Sam but that is at the very end of the movie.” “Well then,
Sam has to be the father.” “Not necessarily, Harry and Bill still could
be Sophie’s father technically and they all want to have her as their
daughter. But James, it turns out that Harry is Gay. He loves men and
he wants to marry a man.” “Mom are you Gay? You love a man and married
him.” “Ah… yes I did but a woman who marries a man isn’t usually Gay. A
man who loves a man is Gay and a woman who loves
a woman is Gay.” “Well, I know that I am not
Gay.” “Your choice and you will continue to learn about who you are as
you get older.”
The conversation continued for a few more exchanges but you get the gist. Classification continues to be tricky for James and because he is sooooo black and white it can lead to interesting and colorful conversations.
Toddlers spend a lot of time figuring out classification. They find out that all cows have four legs. So all animals with four legs must be cows. Until they get more experiences and they find out about horses, giraffes, elephants, cats, dogs, goats, sheep etc... and don't forget the duck billed platypus. It has four legs but the feet and bill of a duck and it lays eggs. It is a never ending conundrum of classifying until everything is in the right pile or black and white logical spot.
Is it popcorn if it is eaten off the cob like corn on the cob?
Classifying Monty Python Style
We have all been in situations that make us uncomfortable. That queasy feeling in our tummies is usually a good barometer for sensibility. For me, one of my biggest fears is heights. I can get the vertigo going in under one second. It isn't pretty but it is a protection from putting myself in a position of danger. What do you do when your fear is SO BIG that it keeps you from doing new things? Or having experiences that are new? 
Yesterday was the second memorial for James' beloved Papa, my husband's father. James loved him so much because he accepted James always. No changes necessary, James was perfect in Papa's eyes. They were best friends. Papa would do anything for and with James. Unconditional love for James is often difficult. As his parents, we are constantly trying to tweak, mold and modify. It is the same with his teachers and therapists. Papa just accepted and loved. There was never an angry word. He never raised his voice, only love and peace. My father-in-law was a pharmacist in his professional career. When he retired he studied and became a Reiki Master. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this Eastern Healing technique, it is basically the transference of healing power from one to another. >>here<< He shared this healing with elders in the community, nurses at a well respected hospital and those in the hospice program through another hospital. When visiting those in Hospice, he would often provide Reiki to the caregivers as well as the patients. That was just who this man was. Always giving and caring for others. 
Papa loved his grandchildren intensely! He went to concerts, award ceremonies, graduations, birthday parties... He will be greatly missed! On the last day we visited him before his passing, I shared the video of James playing Smoke on the Water. >>HERE<< Papa was so thrilled to see and hear this, so we told him the next time we visited, we would make sure to bring his guitar and James would play it for him. Papa passed away 2 days before we were scheduled to see him again. So James performed it at the first memorial service. 
Back to yesterday, second memorial
service. Tons of people James doesn't know, long drive, new environment,
I'm sure you can see where this is going. Simply playing a song on his
electric guitar for Papa's memorial service made his fear debilitating and viscerally primal.
He withdrew, left the service with me in tow, and for the next 45
minutes negotiated the crap out of a simple 54 second experience to get the
best deal possible. Here is my blog on the constant Autism Negotiation
that goes on in my house every day. Don't worry, I'll wait. (Cue Jeopardy Music) >>HERE<< James is
black belt in negotiations and as he has aged he has gotten better at crafting
the best deal out of his exhausted parents. So here was the deal that was
finally agreed upon, a new Game-Boy (we were already going to get him one),
supper at Denny's (we had already planned to go), I would sit with him and tell
him the notes as he played (common practice in our practice sessions so no
biggie), not having to go shopping with us on Sunday (love having him along but
again, no biggie) and staying up until 12AM to get in some Minecraft time (this
one was done as a final ditch and I hoped he had forgotten, but no). You
decide who won this one.
Here is the song (recorded this morning after a few hours of sleep). ENJOY... >>HERE<< As soon as he finished this song at the memorial, the fear lifted, the James we know arrived. He continued with the slide presentation I had created for the grand kids to do (I needed to step in for our daughter who is away at college). James joked, read his pages with clarity and he was amazingly proud of his accomplishment! He prevailed! He put fear in its place. There is a big difference between healthy fear and "stage fright." James had stage fright, he faced it head on and came out the other side healthier and wonderfully transformed. Encouraging our kids to face things that are scary can be a balancing act. We don't want to push them so hard that we break them, but we do want to give them the opportunity (and a strong enough deal) to accomplish and shine. Walk through the fear with your head high little man, don't worry, I am with you every step of the way!! 
