Autism Expectations

I woke up this morning before the rest of the family and got on Facebook like I do most mornings.  I do it to catch up with people I know and don't know.  I do it because it is my time to see what everyone is doing from the comfort of my living room.  I was chatting with another Autism mom and I brought up the subject of breakfast because it was almost 8AM in Cali and time for a family meal.  I told the other mom that if everyone is home, I expect everyone to eat at the table as a family.  My family did it when I was growing up and my husbands family did it also.  It was one of my expectations for my children as soon as they started eating solid foods.  We had a booster seat that clipped to the table and they were expected to sit with us even if they were only eating a few Cheerios or a full meal.  Now don't get me wrong, those early family meals lasted maybe 5 minutes if we were lucky!
Enter Autism... James was a grazer at best.  There was no such thing as "A" meal.  I simply left bowls of foods I knew he would eat around our then apartment, and hoped he would eat something during the day.  I did have the expectation that he would make an appearance at supper for as long as it took him to sit in his chair long enough to eat one bite off of a plate and then leave.  I didn't expect him to ask to be excused or even look at anyone.  The expectation was simply to sit and eat one bite.  One bite turned into 2 and then 3.  Eventually (over a year or so) James was at the table for the whole family meal.  He knew that I expected it.  Did he like it?  I don't know or really care... I expected it.  Next came manners, please (pz), thank you (uu) and can I be excused (mego?) Did he like it? I don't know or really care... I expected it.

Kiefer has great table manners and always has a spot at our table!

Today, the expectations are clear.  You come to the table, use your manners, eat your food, have a conversation with others, ask to be excused and bus your own dishes.  Would my expectations be different if James was non verbal, didn't have average intelligence or had severe behaviors at the table.  Probably not because at one time, James danced in all of those camps.  Family meals are very important to me so I expect them.  For other families they may not be as important but family hikes or bike rides or flying kites whatever may really matter.  Expect that they will happen, make a plan and work towards the expectation.  Your child may just surprise you!